My Life has Become a Box of Lucky Charms

And my kids ate out all the marshmallows. Really what is Lucky Charms without the marshmallows but a nasty semi sweetened puff of bleck that gets really soggy in milk? Aside from the fact that I want to blow out my brains-can I just start my life completely over-ok not the whole thing but the part where I actually wanted to have kids. Maybe I can invent a time machine and send my self back to when I had some sense of sanity. Then when I meet myself I will promptly smack myself in the face, tell myself to start drinking margaritas and get on a one way flight to Tahiti. This whole parenting thing is enough to put me over the edge. I thought that I really enjoyed 7th grade so I am wondering why I have to do it all over again-oh yeah that's right I had children and apparently I did not enjoy it enough or learn it enough the first time around. I did not struggle in school and neither did any of my siblings so why do I have only 1 child out of 4 that wants to do well in school and shows it? Two of my other 3 struggle like the day is long while numero 3 is fully able and capable but just gets lazy and sloppy. Why do kids have to be such little ***theads-now I am talking about other people's kids not mine at the moment. Connor came home to tell me that some kids at school are calling him a douchebag. Then he promptly asks the question "Mom what is a douchebag?" Now that word is not frequently used unless we visit certain people and then we just use clever acronyms to say rude things about people. QDB, PDB etc. Why on earth would you use a word like that around your kids knowing full well that they will gladly repeat it as soon as they can and it will probably happen in church? We try so hard to teach our kids to be Christlike and nice to people but then this happens and my Christlike feelings go right out the window. I told him it was not a nice word and just ignore them. What I really want to tell him is go up to them and karate chop them right in the face. He could karate chop them too because he has been taking lessons. Then after he Karate Chops them I will rain hellfire and lightning down on them a la Mother Bear style. I would like to add to my list of complaints that my icemaker still does not work-remember when helpful handy serviceman came out and told me that it would cost $400 to fix the icemaker? Well I shoulda just paid them to do it because we probably have gone through 400 bags since then and it is such a pain in the butt to go all the way to Wally's or heaven forbid all the way to the Fairgrounds. I think the universe is conspiring against me. Since school started Don has been home for Terrible Tuesday one time. Tuesdays are from the devil. Starting from 2:00 on I run kids back and forth from the school to piano to scouts to karate with a few intermittent stops at home for a bit to grab needed items for above mentioned places. After those glorious 5 hours we have 2 hours of homework and that is after dinner, showers, a bit of whining, crying and yelling and that is just from me. Cayden asked me the other day if there were pottys in heaven. In an effort to preempt any further discussions down that road I promptly replied yes there were pottys in heaven and that Heavenly Father made them just like he made everything else. Cayden then informed me that it was good that Heavenly Father made pottys in heaven because if there were no pottys in heaven then if he had to go poop then he would just have to poop in his pants and that would just be yucky. Well it's a good thing we did not get into that whole "you won't have the same kind of body in heaven" discussion because who knows where that could have gone. My friend and I were talking the other day about holding grudges and not forgiving people and getting offended etc and how that is like carrying a backpack full of rocks and how every time you get offended or hold a grudge or don't forgive you are adding rocks to that backpack. Well because we are funny people and it is much easier to use humor when dealing with touchy subjects like getting offended we decided that we would probably be carrying our backpacks for a long time but they would be designer and we would have the matching shoes to go with it. Let us now return to the douchebag story. This is part where I say that I am a good person and will not be offended and I will forgive the little brat that is being rude to my kid but at this moment I want to take out a few of those rocks from my backpack and throw them right at that rotten kid and watch his nose bleed. (Then I would quickly run up and offer him a kleenex of course). I read on Meridian Magazine today a whole article on the do's and don'ts of Sunday attire specifically nylons vs flipflops. I really try not to be a judgmental person ok atleast not for very long but seriously don't we and shouldn't we have better things to do then to discuss whether or not Sister So and So takes the prophets seriously and has respect for the church when she wears flip flops or heaven forbid sandals without stalkings? Forgive me if I am mistaken but shouldn't we be concerned with our own level of discipleship and our own progress and that sister's well being then what she has on her feet at church? Now I have judged some harshly on the fact that they have worn Crocs to church and then there's the lady that gets up and flat out tells the congregation during testimony meeting that she came to church in what she slept in. Well at least she was honest. Maybe if I wear rhinestones or sequins on my flip flops to church that will be respectful enough. Sherri Dew said once "that the final judgment will be a breeze compared to what we have put each other through here on earth". I concur-I hope it is easier than what I put myself through. Oh look my doorbell rand and there are 2 sweaty smelly tired boys and their grandparents who must have been sent as my angels tonight because I specifically said a loud prayer when I was getting in to the car today to start all this mayhem. I said Lord Help Me with all the gusto I could muster but not so much that I come falling back to the floor from overexertion. Lo and behold just a few hours later a call requesting permission to pick up the Karate kids and bring them home turned into an hour and 45 minutes of crying, fighting and cajoling and just enough time to get 2 bathed 4 fed and 1 on their own homework and the other adults in the room working on the duece to get his 47 problems of math done. This math is not for sissies either. You better bring your whole bag of magic and then go and steal some from the neighbors cuz your gonna need it. 14 math problems took 1 hour and a half. 1 single problem took 14 minutes alone. There has gotta be something better than this. While 2 relatively smart adult minds attempted to figure out the problem so that we could tell him what do, he sat and scribbled or rolled his head on the counter or complained that he was still hungry. Does it take every child this long to do this work? We are what 5 weeks into school and I am ready to throw in the towel. Connor makes good money mowing lawns and pulling weeds. Plus he really prefers to be out there than in school any way. I thought homeschooling him was hard but this is harder. Whatever happens just don't call the truant officer please. Maybe call in someone that will lock me up for a few days where all I have to do is sit and read and maybe watch TV in a little square room with a nice roomie named Tito from the Bronx. No cooking, no cleaning, no phone ringing just a nice stainless steel toilet and a plastic comb. Some days other than Tito it does not sound so bad. I wonder if they just sell the marshmallows for the Lucky Charms on their own-Then when my kids eat all of those my life will just be an empty plastic bag.