Hmm interesting conundrum.
Last month after "the incident" was over but before we went to court I was struggling mightily with my feelings of anger and offendedness. I just could not believe that someone who "supposedly" believed the same things I did and was trying to raise their children the same way I want to could be so cruel and vengeful and vicious. I felt betrayed and hurt and really really P.Oed. In an effort to combat those feelings and thinking to be more like the Savior and consequently act like He would, I listened to Sheri Dew's book on tape "If Life Were Easy It Wouldn't Be Hard". One of the stories she tells is how one day when she was in a Stake RS Presidency they had a meeting. For some reason she got on her ear about something and went off. She said "I climbed up on my own Rameumptom and let them have it" or something like that. She said that she stormed out of the meeting and went to work of course feeling terrible about her behavior but thinking all day that she needed to apologize in person. So after work she went home and as she was getting ready to go back out to apologize her doorbell rang and there stood the other women from the presidency "with casseroles in hand, the mothers of 12 kids between them, bringing me, the mother of none, dinner". She said that they said to her "Sheri, this morning was just not like you. You must be under alot of stress. We thought that dinner might help you feel better." So for weeks I thought that to stem the tide of angry feelings toward this woman who did so much to offend us, that I would take her dinner. At the time her husband was deployed and I thought that dinner might make both of us feel better even if it did nothing to change her heart or the situation, maybe it would help heal mine. I did not do it mostly because I thought that she might think that I was trying to "butter her up" or manipulate her. I kept thinking that I really should do it but that the best time would be after the whole thing was over. My plan was seriously to come home that afternoon after getting our "punishment" and make her dinner. Well that got shot right out of the water because of the terror and trauma that Connor went though that afternoon and the previous 3 weeks of abject Hell our family went through. I was angry all over again. I had tried really hard to get rid of those bad feelings through fasting and prayer and reading my scriptures and listening to Sheri Dew and the Motabs and I thought I was doing OK until that afternoon. So needless to say I did not take her dinner. It has been another 3 weeks since that horrible day (which by the way amounted to nothing because the decent people in charge saw the ludicrousness of the whole situation and closed and dismissed the case) and I have been angry. We were so disappointed and offended at how wrong the whole situation was on so many levels and how some of our purported advocates were the exact opposite, that these feelings were just bubbling and stewing and roiling around in us. Well again I thought enough was enough and I had to DO something to help me deal with this. Again I thought that I would make her dinner or bread or something. Yesterday was the day. I was going to do it. I cleaned the house and washed bedding and cleaned the floors and in my mind thought that I would make dinner for her and maybe bread too. By the middle of the afternoon my good intentions went byebye. I started feeling sick and went to my room thinking that I would do it today. Well I was sick all night until about 1am and then after I got Cayden to school this morning,I went back to bed until noon. With dinner leftover from yesterday and roast left over from Sunday it just seemed a better idea to use what we had rather than make something new. I just don't know what is in my way of putting this idea into action. Maybe I am just not supposed to do this, for either of us. I really want to forgive and accept and understand and be a better person but this has been beyond anything we have had to deal with mostly because it is so personal and our accuser lives around the corner. I don't know, maybe my good intentions will make up for my lack of action.
2 days ago
3 Happy Thoughts:
That is such a hard thing and I think you are amazing to even think of ways to forgive. A lot of other people wouldn't even attempt it. I can't imagine going through any of that and I'm so sorry you have to. Keep doing what your doing and we will keep you and your family in our prayers. Love you!!!
I feel so bad for all you have had to endure the last several years. I am sorry that this has been one more trial that you have had to deal with. Good luck with it all!
You truly are Christ-like, in my opinion, to even consider taking dinner to her family. You continue to impress me and make me proud.
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