Wish Wednesday

I should have posted this yesterday but I had to go and get more injections in my neck and really did not feel like typing so here it is.

I really wish that I did not feel so guilty about leaving my kids and going and doing things on my own or for my self. Case in point-I just can not miss a Mayday. Every year I want to go to Women's Conference at BYU but every year it falls over Mayday. I know lots of ladies who have no problem going but I just can't miss my kids doing their dances and stuff. My husband assures me every year that all will be well and to just go but I can't do it. My anxiety riddled brain tells me that the one year that I do go will be the year that my kids will be telling their therapists about in 10 years. Don and I always talk about going on vacation together but we just never do it. I feel guilty leaving my kids and when we have gone on trips in the past I have been a nervous wreck and have no fun getting to our destination. I am great once we are there but getting there is hard to do. Even to go to Vegas and spend the night is hard for me to do. It's not that I think my kids will not be taken care of or that something will happen to them or us-ok that is a lie I do worry about something happening to them or us but that is not guilt but pure anxiety-I'll discuss that in another Wish Wednesday post. I even have issues with not being home when they get home from school. If I have to go to Vegas or something then I try and make sure that I am home by 3:30 when they get off the bus. If there are days that I can't make it home by the time that they come home I make sure that for the next few weeks I am home every day when they get here. I also have serious guilt issues about being a crappy mother. Most days I would not get the award for Mother of the Year. Forget about college or missions-my kids need a savings account just to pay for their future therapy appointments. I really hope that they have selective memory and remember that I was at every Mayday Dance and school program they ever did. That I was the room mother for at least one of them every year and that I brought in really creative treats to their classrooms if I could not actually be in their rooms playing games with their classes. Hopefully when all is tallied up and measured the scales will tip in my favor just enough to get me into the celestial kingdom and my kids will say "we did not doubt our mother knew it".